1.
MARSHALL: Be careful Ted, revenge fantasies never work out the way you want. Especially dance-based revenge. <gets weird looks> My prom was rough, guys...
MARSHALL: <later in episode>: Whatever you do, don't march in there thinking 'I'm gonna do the worm, that'll show them!' <gets weird looks> Seriously guys, I can't stress enough how bad my prom was...
2.
Barney: I'm sorry I lied to you, I'll tell you everything, the whole story
Quinn: Fine. You have 1 minute before I walk out that door
Barney: Um, it's, uh, kind of a long story, Quinn. Gonna take a little bit longer than a minute.
Quinn: 52 SECONDS!!!
Barney: 7 years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said "Oh yeah, you just know she likes it dirty." But Ted really liked her so we played 'haaaaave you met Ted?' They went to dinner, he walked her home, shoulda kissed her, didn't, LAME, so he stole a smurf penis, went back to her place, shoulda kissed her, didn't, LAME, he threw 3 parties, they kissed on the roof, but decided to be friends, LAME, then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria, didn't kiss her either, LAME, not a great closer Ted, but he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany, Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin, Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil, came back with a latin stud, Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story- I just like mentioning that as much as possible- I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up, <breath> Robin and I started dating, I got fat, her hair fell out, we broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora, cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora, Robin dated Kevin, but not for long, and then I met you, and you took my grandpas watch, but I fell in love with you anyway, and you let me fart in front of you, and I asked you to marry me, and you said yes, so we came over here to meet little Marvin, and that's everything, ALSO I went on 'The Price is Right' and I won a dune buggy...
Quinn: Goodbye, Barney
Barney: Goo- I jus-
Lily: She lets you fart in front of her????
MARSHALL: Barney- you go get that girl.
3.
Ted: I need to grow up. Oh by the way, I'm breaking a jinx swear here, so don't tell Barney or he gets to whack me 3 times in the nuts with a wiffle ball bat.
MARSHALL: Sure, pretty standard.
4.
Ted: Ok. Why shouldn't I tell Robin?
MARSHALL: Because, deep down, some crazy part of you still thinks you're gonna wind up with her and I agree.
Ted: Marshall!
MARSHALL: I'm sorry, I'm team tedward! Always have been, always will be. Now listen, I want my best friend to be happy and if Robin could mean happiness for you, than, dear god, why help her go after another man?
Ted: Because! She might still be in love with him! To not tell her, to not give her that chance, it's selfish.
MARSHALL: So be selfish.
Ted: I can't do that.
MARSHALL: Tell that to the onion rings we just 'split.'
5.
MARSHALL: Do you think your super strength came from wearing wonder woman's magic wrist cuff???
6.
MARSHALL: If you end an argument with a rhyme, it's convincing all the time
So remember-
If the lion head stone work is regal, then tearing it down should be illegal
We must make sure the lion is always there, destroy the arcadian? oh no, don't you dare
If you want new york's history at your beck and call, don't go swingin' no wrecking ball
MARSHALL <later in episode>: You better get used to that lion head- as of tomorrow it's gonna be there till the end of times, all because of my sweet, sweet rhymes...
7.
MARSHALL: Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Heck, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you?
MARSHALL: It haunts me.
8.
Lily: It must be hard to woo someone while sticking your naked butt in their faces.
MARSHALL: That's what baboons do. It's called "presenting."
9.
Ted: Why don't you check your list?
Barney: My list?
Ted: Come on, man. Don't pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the women he's slept with.
MARSHALL: I have one. It's called my marriage license. (he and lily high-five)
10.
MARSHALL: (Talking on cell phone) How's the bridal shop?
Lily: Everything is so big and fluffy and white. It's like shopping in a marshmallow. How's Barney's tailor place?
MARSHALL: Everything is dark and sketchy and seems illegal. It's like shopping in Barney's mind.
11.
Ted: Hey, Marshall. You up for some super loud, repetitive music that hasn't changed since the mid-'90s?
MARSHALL: Um, only always!
12.
MARSHALL: 'Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like but can't order because they'll ne made fun of.'
Ted: Dude.
MARSHALL: THEY'RE DELICIOUS!!
13.
MARSHALL: When you walk through the door, does it feel like you are being slapped in the face by Christmas?
14.
MARSHALL: Lily's never gonna marry me like this!
Ted: Come on, of course she will!
MARSHALL: Would you marry me?
Ted: No. But not because of the hair, because I have a rule. Never marry someone you've had a farting contest with.
MARSHALL: Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married.
15.
Ted: Alright, have fun in Scotland. See the Loch Ness monster, tell him Ted Mosby says "What's up?"
MARSHALL: Nessie is a she, Ted. Come on.
16.
Robin: A pencil going up Barney's nose is not a miracle.
MARSHALL: Then what other explanation do you have?
Robin: Uh.... a drunken fool with a box of pencils?
MARSHALL: Yeah, a drunken fool called God, and a box of pencils called Destiny!
17.
MARSHALL: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge*! All the stores in New York are so cramped. Every time I turn, I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster who came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas!
18.
Lily: You hated that job.
Robin: It wasn't that bad.
Lily: What did they make you call Tropical Storm Hector when they said it was raining "cats and dogs?"
Robin: A furricane...
MARSHALL: Hey, Ted, "Rock Me Like A Furricane."
19.
Ted: (Talking about the planned intervention for him) What was it for? The Crocs? The hai product?
MARSHALL: Not Stella.
Ted: Oh my god! This was about Stella!
MARSHALL: I just said "not Stella," so maybe it was about your poor listening skills, Ted.
Ted: What?
MARSHALL: It's out of control. See?
20.
Robin: I still say this is stupid. What happened to, "As we mature, the relationship matures with us??"
MARSHALL: That's just something Lily read in Psychology Today. Alright, she read it in Cosmo. Alright, I read it in Cosmo. ALRIGHT, IT WAS COSMOGIRL!!!!
21.
Robin: Thanks for coming by. I monkeyed around with the thermostat for about an hour before I realized it was the intercom.
MARSHALL: Yeah, I heard you swearing downstairs.
22.
Barney: All my life I have dared to go past what is possible.
Interviewer: To the impossible?
Barney: Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and impossible meet, to become...... the possimpible.
Lily: The possimpible? Really?
Barney: Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision.
MARSHALL: Visitivity!!
23.
Robin: How do you say goodbye in those situations? A handshake is too formal, a kiss on the cheek is too familiar...
Barney: A hug is like a public dry hump.
MARSHALL: I think you're hugging wrong...
24.
MARSHALL: (watching man and dog walk by his barrel) Oh, come on, dude, you know you want it. A guy like you beard, no moustache, you're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel. Do it. (the dog pees on the barrel) THAT IS NOT A FIRE HYDRANT! For shame, sir! FOR SHAME! I bet you couldn't grow a moustache if you wanted to!
Lily: Neither can you, sweetie.
MARSHALL! Well, he doesn't need to know that baby!
25.
MARSHALL: What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? (Lily and Robin stare at him) Let me rephrase that. Did you two ladies lose some weight?
26.
Lily: So when they blew up the Death Star, knowing full well there were hundred of storm troopers on it, those were people?
MARSHALL: Well, it's called the Death Star, baby. They knew what they were getting into.
Ted: What?
MARSHALL: It's out of control. See?
20.
Robin: I still say this is stupid. What happened to, "As we mature, the relationship matures with us??"
MARSHALL: That's just something Lily read in Psychology Today. Alright, she read it in Cosmo. Alright, I read it in Cosmo. ALRIGHT, IT WAS COSMOGIRL!!!!
21.
Robin: Thanks for coming by. I monkeyed around with the thermostat for about an hour before I realized it was the intercom.
MARSHALL: Yeah, I heard you swearing downstairs.
22.
Barney: All my life I have dared to go past what is possible.
Interviewer: To the impossible?
Barney: Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and impossible meet, to become...... the possimpible.
Lily: The possimpible? Really?
Barney: Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision.
MARSHALL: Visitivity!!
23.
Robin: How do you say goodbye in those situations? A handshake is too formal, a kiss on the cheek is too familiar...
Barney: A hug is like a public dry hump.
MARSHALL: I think you're hugging wrong...
24.
MARSHALL: (watching man and dog walk by his barrel) Oh, come on, dude, you know you want it. A guy like you beard, no moustache, you're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel. Do it. (the dog pees on the barrel) THAT IS NOT A FIRE HYDRANT! For shame, sir! FOR SHAME! I bet you couldn't grow a moustache if you wanted to!
Lily: Neither can you, sweetie.
MARSHALL! Well, he doesn't need to know that baby!
25.
MARSHALL: What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? (Lily and Robin stare at him) Let me rephrase that. Did you two ladies lose some weight?
26.
Lily: So when they blew up the Death Star, knowing full well there were hundred of storm troopers on it, those were people?
MARSHALL: Well, it's called the Death Star, baby. They knew what they were getting into.
27.
Lily: Ted, it's just a rough patch. It takes time getting used to being with someone else. And they're both.....what's the nice word for selfish?
MARSHALL: Independent.
28.
MARSHALL: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs. It's like we're the president!
29.
Lily: (hitting Ted) Who breaks up with someone on their answering machine on their birthday?!?!
MARSHALL: Yeah dude, e-mail.
30.
Judge 1: Thank you Mr. Eriksen. The panel will take this under advisement.
MARSHALL: Take your time.
Judge 2: It could be a few months.
MARSHALL: Better tell my wife then I won't be home for dinner.
Judge 2: Get out!
31.
Lily: Marshall, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast.
MARSHALL: I didn't put the bread in, you didn't put the bread in there!
32.
MARSHALL: It's fascinating how profoundly little I know about vaginas.
33.
MARSHALL: You got nothing on me.
Barney: The calzone?
MARSHALL: Checkmate.
34.MARSHALL: Hey can I ask you a question that has plagued me for years? Can girls aim?
35.
MARSHALL: Oh you're wearing a flower.
Barney: Thank You!
MARSHALL: I didn't compliment, just observed.
36.
MARSHALL: But that's a good lie. Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.
37.
Lily: Whoa, wait. A big package just arrived.
MARSHALL: Yeah it did!
Lily: No it's a real package, from your dad.
MARSHALL: Well that's a little weird, but yeah it is!
38.
MARSHALL: So, funny thing about Willem Dafoe. His name sounds like it's being spoken by a frog, then a parrot. Willem. DA-FOE! Willem. DA-FOE! <here's a vid of Marshall saying it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-SbijRnvnc the quality sucks though>
39.
Barney: Did the robber have five o'clock shadow and a ski cap?
MARSHALL: Yes, because I was robbed in 1947 at the corner of Abbott and Costello.
35.
MARSHALL: Oh you're wearing a flower.
Barney: Thank You!
MARSHALL: I didn't compliment, just observed.
36.
MARSHALL: But that's a good lie. Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.
37.
Lily: Whoa, wait. A big package just arrived.
MARSHALL: Yeah it did!
Lily: No it's a real package, from your dad.
MARSHALL: Well that's a little weird, but yeah it is!
38.
MARSHALL: So, funny thing about Willem Dafoe. His name sounds like it's being spoken by a frog, then a parrot. Willem. DA-FOE! Willem. DA-FOE! <here's a vid of Marshall saying it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-SbijRnvnc the quality sucks though>
39.
Barney: Did the robber have five o'clock shadow and a ski cap?
MARSHALL: Yes, because I was robbed in 1947 at the corner of Abbott and Costello.
*THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!
These were just the first 39 quotes I found <that were clean> because 39 is my favorite number..... HOPE YOU LIKED THEM!!!! Marshall is hilarious!!! And so is everyone else!!!!
#stinsonrocks
Maggie
These were just the first 39 quotes I found <that were clean> because 39 is my favorite number..... HOPE YOU LIKED THEM!!!! Marshall is hilarious!!! And so is everyone else!!!!
#stinsonrocks
Maggie
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